A Statement from U.S. President, J. Gatsby

Washington DC, United States

13 November, 2025

White House Press Secretary, Karo-lyin' Leavitt, read a statement today in the White House press briefing room from U.S. President, J. Gatsby. Transcript follows:

"I, your favourite President, J. Gatsby, am known as J. Gatsby. I have always been known as J. Gatsby. Anyone who says otherwise is a bad person. A very bad person. The worst person.

I am also fifty years old, 6 foot 3 inches tall, weigh 200 pounds, and have a full head of hair. You know that. I have 10 percent body fat, and I absolutely do not take the fat shots. The fat shots are for losers, like Bobby and that weirdo, Oz. Oh? What's that? They're Republicans? They voted for me? They're not losers. Scratch that line.

Furthermore, my penis is long and girthy, and does not resemble a mushroom at all. It is a great penis. The best penis. All the prostitutes say so. Only the best prostitutes. I can afford the best, because I'm rich. Although that Melania costs me a fortune!

Oh yeah, Epstein. Bad dude. I don't know him. And that creep, Donald J. Trump that always hung out with Epstein? Don't know him either. He sounds like a loser. I'll get Pam to track him down and indict him. It'll be a low priority, after every single Dem loser and deranged lefty, but we'll get around to him eventually. What a creep. Imagine being a paedo and getting caught. How stupid. How careless. It's like they don't know how to bribe or extort people.

Look, I know what you're thinking. That Donald J. Trump guy looks like me a bit. But he's orange, fat, old, and balding. He lies about everything, including his golf handicap. But not me, everybody says so.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. President J. Gatsby."

When Leavitt was asked what the initial J. stood for she screamed at the reporter in question, calling them fake news and claiming they were fabricating a hoax.

After the briefing, President Gatsby handed out new business cards to the few remaining members of the White House Press Corps.